Drowning in rational thoughts
I have always been an analyst and explorer. I always liked entering the fields I had no direct relationship with. Attending all the extra classes possible after school, then university and later work allowed me to acquire knowledge from different fields, use them, manipulate them and principally be flexible. No matter what the situation was, I was eager to figure out a solution by myself, find answers, read and know more about something.
I became 20 years old, and suddenly figured out I didn’t need outside help when dealing with almost any situation that was coming along the way besides a particular one: dudes. I started bumping into random guys and that opened previously undiscovered traits inside me. For me, that meant a bunch of unanswered questions that were waiting for me to investigate.
Here are the things I figured out while dating these people.
The only person who will ever love you unconditionally is your mother (if you are lucky enough).
Unfortunately or thankfully this is the one truth for me. Think about it for a minute. Is there a single person from your friends whom you love unconditionally? Would you love your friend and continue your friendship if she/he betrays you? Or let’s go with a milder example. Imagine your friend does something that is completely taboo for you, after asking her/him not to do that, you realize it does not help at all, he/she continues doing that over and over again. Would you still think that she deserves the same appreciation and commitment from your side? See.
Friendships/relationships are highly dependent on agreements between you two. You’re nice to me, I’m nice to you. You support me, I support you. You are there for me, I’m there for you too.
If one side deviates from the unwritten laws, it cracks your relationship which easily gets bigger and bigger and eventually breaks the connection between you.
People tend to unconsciously tell about their intentions.
I would say girls are professionals in creating a perfect development of events. They will dream about how romantically a guy shares his feelings after a successful first date. She will imagine your future big house with little copies of you both, running in the garden and playing on the grass. The problem arises when expectations don’t meet on both sides. One of the sides starts demanding more and more, and the other side gets puzzled. The latter starts thinking why the person in front of them jumped too quickly into a relationship if he/she was still discovering that person and never told anything specific about his/her feelings and didn’t give any promise.
Pushing from one side will push another one farther. If a guy really likes you and wants to continue building your relationship, believe me, you will know it for sure. There is no need in composing fables about how he likes you but doesn’t want to tell you, or how he wants to talk to you but is busy for 3 days and doesn’t contact you because of work. If he wants that, he shows that. His intentions are clear if you look closely. You won’t have any hesitations concerning him.
I truly believe that if you listen carefully you will know much more about the person, his thoughts, and plans. What people joke about, what they pay attention to, what they laugh at, what they emphasize, these all tell hell a lot about the person. Be prudent, take your time to explore the person. Put him into different situations, pay attention to how he behaves with taxi drivers and waiters. Don’t let your feelings go too deep at the beginning. He can say goodbye or slowly start distancing himself without any evident reason (evident from your point of view). As our all favorite Carrie from Sex and the city was telling, everything before “I love you” just doesn’t count.
There are different types of attachments, and you need to be conscious about both your and your partner’s.
This was a novelty for me. I am an independent person, with a good job that I love, supportive friends, hobbies that I constantly practice and develop new skills from them. I found out that most of the time a person starts behaving very differently from what he was used to when starting dating the person he/she likes. He started awakening hidden traits and problems I had deep inside.
I would say I am quite a confident person. Nevertheless, I felt “the one at the bottom” when it came to our relationship. I mean, I was thinking of myself as the one who has to do a lot of stuff to be likable. In my mind, he was automatically liked and accepted, and I had to work to get the same. Be the prettiest I ever can, entertain him to make him interested. Be a great communicator, be in a good mood 24/7, well balanced, and smile.
The second issue that arose was my emotional dependency on him. My mood and mental state relied on him and the amount of attention he was giving. I remember, he got moody for 2–3 days and almost didn’t talk, which made me worried for a long time. Besides I was thinking about what happened to him that he reacted that way, the first thought that came to my mind is that he rejects me.
Fear of rejection, fear of being unapproved started speaking very loudly inside my head. After his behavior repeated multiple times, suddenly my analytical mind and curiosity woke up. Two questions arose in my mind. Firstly, what the heck was happening in his mind that he was distancing himself from the girl he was attracted to. Secondly, what the actual heck was happening in my brain that I was giving such a sharp reaction to his behavior.
After setting aside my emotional roller coaster, I started my research on the second question.
I came across different types of attachment stories that drew my attention. After spending some time searching through the internet and psychological articles, I finally found out what I needed the most.
I learned that there are four main attachment styles in adults.
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
People have various degrees of all of the types but one of them is dominant most of the time. The thing to be aware of is towards what style you are inclined to and work on bringing yourself more towards the secure one.
